A Modest Proposal To Heal The Earth

For Returning Our Planet To Its Pristine And Natural State Of Being
(Based on the Essay “A Modest Proposal”, by Jonathan Swift in 1729)

Our organization, the Bastion of Urban Renewal and Progress (BURP) was founded a few years ago on the West side of Manhattan. We are dedicated to the betterment of humanity, the cleanliness of the earth and the causes of equality within and between all nations.

The organization is staffed by people from all walks of life as well as by experts in all areas of importance. We have spoken on a variety of subjects in the past and proposed many progressive solutions to the planet’s problems and dilemmas. None of the issues that we have spoken about in the past, however, has the magnitude of the issue we intend to tackle here.

All the problems on the planet can be traced to one thing – too many people. Overpopulation is depleting the planet’s resources, heating the globe to unsustainable levels, polluting the water, encroaching on the territory of the earth’s native inhabitants, causing many of them to become extinct.

The chief purveyor of these and all other planetary problems is one species – humanity. The main problem within humanity is the philosophy and economic system that has come to be known as “capitalism”.

It is capitalism, with its maddening obsession with technology and innovation, which is primarily responsible for the overpopulation of the earth by homo sapiens. The insidious technology of capitalism has created situations where babies born with birth defects now live long, healthy lives, wasting precious resources in the process. People who at one time may have lived into their 60s are now living will into their 80s, even their 90s! Thus millions of people are using resources that years ago would have been used more efficiently by the planet.

Hence, the first step in our multi-faceted plan is to rid the earth of capitalism. We must start by teaching our children at young ages not to be capitalists. The focus of schools should not be to teach disciplines such as mathematics that might encourage kids to want to create businesses or new ideas. Education should focus on kids getting along with each other and with nature. Here we applaud Barack and Michelle Obama for being so forward thinking. Both have emphasized that students should stop striving for that corner office and that big salary and instead look to serve others, to sacrifice for the betterment of society.

Unfortunately, simply leaving this up to the whims and desires of people themselves has shown to be ineffective. Humans are selfish creatures and will need to be pushed in the proper direction. Children will need to be shown how people have all but destroyed the planet in their egotistical desires to develop products and machines. These kids need to be taught how these selfish beings have found ways to grow staggering amounts of food causing an even greater increase in the population. Everything associated with capitalism seems to cause more people while increasing the longevity of the ones already here! This evil must be stopped.

What is needed is de-industrialization which can only come about by a cataclysmic change in the ways people think about their lives. The symbols of industrialization are all around us -- big tall buildings, air conditioners, cars, cell phones, ipods, ipads, blackberries, kindles, plasma TVs, HD TVs, planes above us, trains below us, laptops in our backpacks, some have technology inside their bodies replacing the very organs they were born with, buses move people across town while ferries move them across rivers, people can take out a small device and read any newspaper in the world. All this must stop if the planet is to survive.

If people won’t give up these trivial things willingly, then they must be forced to do so. Currently there is a fictional worldwide war on terror. The effort that is going on in that war needs to be brought to bear on capitalism – the real enemy!

Rich people who disproportionally exploit the world’s resources must be the first target in the war on capitalism. Our experts here at our organization (BURP) feel that the predator drones currently being used in Afghanistan could be put to excellent use in this theater. Once predator drones and all their fire power is brought to bear on capitalists, they will think twice before exploiting resources.

Imagine a barbecue on a sunny 4th of July. Here is a holiday celebrating the creation of the worst capitalist offender and the most wasteful nation of all, the United States. A family of 5 is grilling the flesh of a poor animal on their grill while celebrating this heretical holiday. This family is in their backyard laughing, playing games while somewhere else in the world there is a family starving on a couple of grains of rice. The capitalistic family has a huge back yard all to itself while somewhere else in the world there is a small room with 18 people living in squalor. But justice is done when the predator drone comes in and eliminates this wasteful wealthy family. The war on capitalism has begun.

Yes we know it seems somewhat harsh but is there any other method that has worked? Once rich people get the message that they must give up their big homes, their swimming pools, their SUVs, their big screen TVs, their computers and internet access, their satellite radio, their running water and their sewage system, then the predator drones can stop.

Once capitalists are brought in line it will be time to take down all capitalist symbols. While it was capitalists who built these structures, they won’t be needed to take them down. Only the heavens know what methods the capitalists used to selfishly build such wasteful structures but it will be much easier to destroy them than to build them.

In a world finally free of capitalism, its technology and its buildings, the planet can start to heal. Imagine how happy the planet will be when instead of taking raw sewage and treating it with naturally occurring enzymes and chemicals to break it down and recycle it the way the capitalists did, we take it all in its raw form (both human and horse waste since there will be no cars by then) and bury tons and tons of it in the earth.

Of course, there may be an outbreak of dysentery. Typhus might also become a problem from all the raw sewage. There won’t be a lot of doctors either to cure all of this and it could turn into a full blown epidemic, the likes of which has not been seen since the bubonic plague. Water might become polluted from all the sewage as well.

But in any situation there is some give and take. While there will be no doctors, technology, drugs or hospitals to treat the dysentery and typhus outbreaks, CO2 levels in the atmosphere will go down and start the planet on its healing journey.

We here at our organization (BURP) are aware of the tragic loss of life that will occur in this future world. We feel this loss and regret it but at the same time, we know that humans are a cancer to the planet. Should we mourn the death of a cancer cell?

A scientific expert on our staff points out that there is an inverse relationship between human population and planetary health. As all the capitalist ideas are eliminated the planet will have a chance to breathe again. However, the people left will still try to eat the native inhabitants. They will still try to grow food and reclaim land in order to do so. Therefore, it may be necessary to completely eliminate the human population.

We propose a no child policy. We are caring people and do not want to be judge, jury and executioner for the people who survive the elimination of capitalism. However, they cannot be allowed to bring more people to the planet because this could start the evil cycle all over again.

Some people, those who have demonstrated a progressive, caring and forward thinking approach, will be allowed to reproduce in order to act as stewards of the planet. We here at our organization (BURP) are imminently qualified to make this decision.

We understand that many of you may have some trepidation concerning this proposal but those of you who feel that way ought to re-think your priorities. It is not right to put the perpetuation of your gene pool above the health of the planet. We have made our choice. It is either the planet or humanity and we choose the planet.