A Modest Proposal To Heal The Earth

For Returning Our Planet To Its Pristine And Natural State Of Being
(Based on the Essay “A Modest Proposal”, by Jonathan Swift in 1729)

Our organization, the Bastion of Urban Renewal and Progress (BURP) was founded a few years ago on the West side of Manhattan. We are dedicated to the betterment of humanity, the cleanliness of the earth and the causes of equality within and between all nations.

The organization is staffed by people from all walks of life as well as by experts in all areas of importance. We have spoken on a variety of subjects in the past and proposed many progressive solutions to the planet’s problems and dilemmas. None of the issues that we have spoken about in the past, however, has the magnitude of the issue we intend to tackle here.

All the problems on the planet can be traced to one thing – too many people. Overpopulation is depleting the planet’s resources, heating the globe to unsustainable levels, polluting the water, encroaching on the territory of the earth’s native inhabitants, causing many of them to become extinct.

The chief purveyor of these and all other planetary problems is one species – humanity. The main problem within humanity is the philosophy and economic system that has come to be known as “capitalism”.

It is capitalism, with its maddening obsession with technology and innovation, which is primarily responsible for the overpopulation of the earth by homo sapiens. The insidious technology of capitalism has created situations where babies born with birth defects now live long, healthy lives, wasting precious resources in the process. People who at one time may have lived into their 60s are now living will into their 80s, even their 90s! Thus millions of people are using resources that years ago would have been used more efficiently by the planet.

Hence, the first step in our multi-faceted plan is to rid the earth of capitalism. We must start by teaching our children at young ages not to be capitalists. The focus of schools should not be to teach disciplines such as mathematics that might encourage kids to want to create businesses or new ideas. Education should focus on kids getting along with each other and with nature. Here we applaud Barack and Michelle Obama for being so forward thinking. Both have emphasized that students should stop striving for that corner office and that big salary and instead look to serve others, to sacrifice for the betterment of society.

Unfortunately, simply leaving this up to the whims and desires of people themselves has shown to be ineffective. Humans are selfish creatures and will need to be pushed in the proper direction. Children will need to be shown how people have all but destroyed the planet in their egotistical desires to develop products and machines. These kids need to be taught how these selfish beings have found ways to grow staggering amounts of food causing an even greater increase in the population. Everything associated with capitalism seems to cause more people while increasing the longevity of the ones already here! This evil must be stopped.

What is needed is de-industrialization which can only come about by a cataclysmic change in the ways people think about their lives. The symbols of industrialization are all around us -- big tall buildings, air conditioners, cars, cell phones, ipods, ipads, blackberries, kindles, plasma TVs, HD TVs, planes above us, trains below us, laptops in our backpacks, some have technology inside their bodies replacing the very organs they were born with, buses move people across town while ferries move them across rivers, people can take out a small device and read any newspaper in the world. All this must stop if the planet is to survive.

If people won’t give up these trivial things willingly, then they must be forced to do so. Currently there is a fictional worldwide war on terror. The effort that is going on in that war needs to be brought to bear on capitalism – the real enemy!

Rich people who disproportionally exploit the world’s resources must be the first target in the war on capitalism. Our experts here at our organization (BURP) feel that the predator drones currently being used in Afghanistan could be put to excellent use in this theater. Once predator drones and all their fire power is brought to bear on capitalists, they will think twice before exploiting resources.

Imagine a barbecue on a sunny 4th of July. Here is a holiday celebrating the creation of the worst capitalist offender and the most wasteful nation of all, the United States. A family of 5 is grilling the flesh of a poor animal on their grill while celebrating this heretical holiday. This family is in their backyard laughing, playing games while somewhere else in the world there is a family starving on a couple of grains of rice. The capitalistic family has a huge back yard all to itself while somewhere else in the world there is a small room with 18 people living in squalor. But justice is done when the predator drone comes in and eliminates this wasteful wealthy family. The war on capitalism has begun.

Yes we know it seems somewhat harsh but is there any other method that has worked? Once rich people get the message that they must give up their big homes, their swimming pools, their SUVs, their big screen TVs, their computers and internet access, their satellite radio, their running water and their sewage system, then the predator drones can stop.

Once capitalists are brought in line it will be time to take down all capitalist symbols. While it was capitalists who built these structures, they won’t be needed to take them down. Only the heavens know what methods the capitalists used to selfishly build such wasteful structures but it will be much easier to destroy them than to build them.

In a world finally free of capitalism, its technology and its buildings, the planet can start to heal. Imagine how happy the planet will be when instead of taking raw sewage and treating it with naturally occurring enzymes and chemicals to break it down and recycle it the way the capitalists did, we take it all in its raw form (both human and horse waste since there will be no cars by then) and bury tons and tons of it in the earth.

Of course, there may be an outbreak of dysentery. Typhus might also become a problem from all the raw sewage. There won’t be a lot of doctors either to cure all of this and it could turn into a full blown epidemic, the likes of which has not been seen since the bubonic plague. Water might become polluted from all the sewage as well.

But in any situation there is some give and take. While there will be no doctors, technology, drugs or hospitals to treat the dysentery and typhus outbreaks, CO2 levels in the atmosphere will go down and start the planet on its healing journey.

We here at our organization (BURP) are aware of the tragic loss of life that will occur in this future world. We feel this loss and regret it but at the same time, we know that humans are a cancer to the planet. Should we mourn the death of a cancer cell?

A scientific expert on our staff points out that there is an inverse relationship between human population and planetary health. As all the capitalist ideas are eliminated the planet will have a chance to breathe again. However, the people left will still try to eat the native inhabitants. They will still try to grow food and reclaim land in order to do so. Therefore, it may be necessary to completely eliminate the human population.

We propose a no child policy. We are caring people and do not want to be judge, jury and executioner for the people who survive the elimination of capitalism. However, they cannot be allowed to bring more people to the planet because this could start the evil cycle all over again.

Some people, those who have demonstrated a progressive, caring and forward thinking approach, will be allowed to reproduce in order to act as stewards of the planet. We here at our organization (BURP) are imminently qualified to make this decision.

We understand that many of you may have some trepidation concerning this proposal but those of you who feel that way ought to re-think your priorities. It is not right to put the perpetuation of your gene pool above the health of the planet. We have made our choice. It is either the planet or humanity and we choose the planet.

President Obama’s Long Lost Ancestor From The 17th Century

There has been controversy surrounding the ancestry of Barack Obama. A top research team has looked into this matter and traced Obama’s family tree back to the 1600s, where Obama’s ancestor Barack Shakespeare Obama was a great leader and community organizer in Oxfordshire, England.

A parchment was discovered that documented a speech given by this ancestor of Obama’s. The parchment was in bad shape but was taken to parchment restoration experts where a process called infilling was used to fill in missing areas. The parchment was cleaned and tears were carefully mended using goldbeater’s skin, which is the outer membrane of a calf’s intestine. Even with the best efforts of top restoration experts, there are some parts of the speech that were unrecoverable. Nevertheless, with the best of intentions and with hopes that any missing sentences have been filled in true to the original intent of the document, here is the speech given by Barack Shakespeare Obama, probably at some point in the 1660s.

Madame Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, friends, Romans and Countrymen, I come here today to praise our great nation. Almost two years ago, I took office amid religious wars such as that between the Catholics and the Huguenots, and that between the Muslims and the Hindus. There were wars breaking out all over the world. There was the Polish-Ottoman War, the Franco-Dutch War, Russo-Turkish Wars, and the Nine Years War in Ulster. The Spanish Armada was invading England. The English Armada was invading Spain. The Bubonic Plague had killed hundreds of thousands of people. Weapons of mass devastation such as high powered cannons and flintlock muskets became all too common and threatened the safety of law abiding citizens. We were in a period of unprecedented inflation as greedy speculators in London and Paris had drawn wealth away from the rest of the world, while devastating the environment in the New World by mining silver and gold.

In short, I inherited a mess. Experts from across the political spectrum warned that if we did not act, we might face a catastrophe. So we acted – immediately and aggressively. And two years later, the worst of the storm has passed. The storm is receding and the skies are brightening but problems remain. Many people are still out of work. Those who lost loved ones to the Bubonic plague, which my Health Department now refers to as the U1C1 Virus, can attest to the need for a national health insurance plan. Religious wars and wars of aggression are still raging all over the world.

O, a woman has lost consciousness! What dastardly deed is this? Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here for my smile was too much for this poor woman to bear!

At this point, Barack Shakespeare Obama, for some unexplained reason stopped his speech and turned to the side of the stage as if speaking to an invisible person, and said the following:

Stop up the access and passage to remorse,
That no compunctious visitings of nature
Shake my fell purpose to remake civilization.
I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself.
Perchance I should consider the desires of the people.
But that would be giving in to conscience.
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all
If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well
It were done quickly.
They don’t see my greatness or they fear it.
Be not afraid of my greatness!
Lord, what fools these mortals be.
O, what more favour can I do to thee,
To sunder his that was thine enemy?
Though we have seen better days,
It is not me who is to blame for the mess.
The way of mine enemies is wrong.
That way madness lies.
I will thrive for I am a wolf ready to strike though
He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf.
My strength is my words and while
My words fly up, my thoughts remain below.


The people in the audience were confused by this sudden stream of consciousness but one person in the crowd was heard shouting:
One may smile, and smile, and be a villain!
Obama replied “That’s alright, that’s OK…”, as the person who shouted was removed by Knights and Centurions.

BS Obama then continued his speech:
I believe we have to talk to our enemies in order to understand them better. Strong leaders talk to their adversaries, and we will do so, no matter what anyone else says. For this reason, I have scheduled a series of meetings with Ivan the Terrible. Whatever differences exist between countries and religions, we can solve by talking. Therefore, myself, Ivan the Terrible and Napoleon will sit down for a summit where the finest ale and mutton will be served.

Now I want to take a moment if I may to give a shoutout to a great man in the crowd today. Copernicus, would you please stand and take a bow. Thank you. For those of you who may not know, Copernicus is the man who realized that it is the earth that revolves around the sun and not the sun that revolves around the earth. There are people who would like to go back to the days when it was thought that the sun revolved around the earth. My administration is not here to go backwards.

We will not be a bystander in the fight against climate change. We will lead the world in new green technology. There is scientific consensus that the conglomeration of people into large cities has created the need for too many horses. Matter that is expelled from the horse’s intestines has created a change in the earth’s atmosphere resulting in the heating of the earth. In addition, the constant burning of lamps for street lighting creates smoke which stays in the air and traps sunlight.

There is a liquid called oil that may be the salvation of all our environmental problems. With this ‘oil’ we will one day be able to have carriages without the pollution that horses create. We will also be able to create bright light without all the smoke. Until that day happens it is incumbent upon all of us to use our horses less. Those of you who insist on riding horses can eliminate tons of pollution by feeding your horses properly. By not over-feeding your horse, we can save thousands of pounds of horse waste. We should also get into the habit of using smaller horses. People who are in the habit of saying “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!” should change their thinking and say instead; “Give me a waste efficient horse or I’m going to walk.”

This is the leadership that we are providing – an ale and mutton summit that advances the common security and prosperity of all people. We have gone from a bystander to a leader in the fight against climate change. We are helping developing countries to feed themselves, and continuing the fight against the Bubonic Plague. Our strength lies in our diversity. Sweet are the uses of diversity. In addition, we are going to provide new green jobs which will help the economy and the environment.

Right here in Oxfordshire, we have opened up a new factory that will provide 75 new jobs. This factory will manufacture graphite pencils. Graphite pencils are the future and we must look forward. Why should we buy graphite pencils from China or any other place when we can produce them here at home? We have spent millions of pounds in order to create this new, clean graphite pencil industry and these new jobs are the fruit of our hard work.

So, despite plagues, economic catastrophes, wars, religious intolerance, and global warming, we are continuing to move forward with the change I promised. I didn’t say it would be easy as these are all the problems that I inherited from my predecessor. I still have confidence in the citizens of the country. You are all masters of your fates. And I will make sure that your fates turn out in a way deemed positive.